Torn and Her Thoughts

I am dreading every minute of it. my going home.  I am a slave to my dread.

i really need an answer.  how do you say good bye to someone you’ve loved for such a long time? someone whom you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with.  someone you’ve grown up with, someone who has loved you so much.  someone who gave his soul to you, who wept with you, stayed with you during your darkest moments.  someone who’s always been there.  who tolerated your idiosyncrasies, loved your crazy tendencies, held on to you during your foulest moods.  someone who held your hand when you almost died in that dark hospital room.  someone whose life revolves around you.  someone who gave you the second chance.  someone who’d do anything for you.  someone who cannot live without you.

how do you tell him you’ll always care, but it’s time to let go.  that you belong to a different world.  that your dreams are far beyond what he can ever imagine, or even want for himself for that matter. how do you tell him that sometimes, love really isn’t enough for you.  that you want more.

how can you break someone’s heart in the way that least hurts him? is there such a way? is it possible?

how can you diplomatically and with much grace tell someone it’s over.  that you’ve moved on.  that you are fickle, and worldly and free.  that you are incapable of sustaining something that’s been fading for quite some time now.

how do you tell him it’s not his fault? that it’s yours.

how can you crush his dreams just like that? his dream of being with you? building a family with you?

how do you really say goodbye?  because sooner or later it has to happen.  he deserves the privilege of a proper farewell, to old times and to dreams, and the future.  he deserves to at least hear it in person.

it is really dreadful. and it makes me so very sad.  tell me, how can i say goodbye?

how do you say goodbye to what you thought was ‘forever?’ 

last night was Manolet’s birthday celeb.  I had a really great time! And an alcohol-free one at that.  I tried so hard to not have wine at dinner, despite Nedko’s insisting that I have just a glass of red wine, which really is more beneficial than harmful.  I just wanted to enjoy the night, see if I can dance like crazy and talk with everybody and just have a good time sans alcohol.  And that was what exactly happened.  I had a great time, alcohol-free.  It was funny actually, because everybody I danced with were in different stages of being drunk.  There were the tipsy ones, the mildly drunk ones, the medium drunk, and the heavily drunk ones.   Thank God no stuporously drunk ones, as our Breathalyzer is with the calibrator right now.

First dance was with the Captain, followed by Staff Captain, then Security Officer.  Hotel director left just as I was arriving so I never really had the chance to dance with him.  Then I danced with Solomon, Darwin, Glenn A., Rankin, Apple, Vladimar, Rosen, Rodim, Ernani, semi-danced with Joseph, danced with birthday gal, Manolet, then Dalfon, and Chef Danny ( as far as I can remember).  I danced like crazy, hiphop, slow dance, disco, carribean, ballroom which included the swing, cha cha, boogie, twist, erotica(gasp!), actually more of samba than erotica, hehe, semi-striptease, and pretty much any-which-way-dancing.  It was so much fun.  I was wearing this ridiculously high heels (4-inches), but it was really comfortable, really great for dancing.  I was really sweaty, worked it out big time, on the dance floor.  Then I sang some, with the band. I left the party at exactly quarter to one. 

Manolet’s cake was hilarious, dripping chocolate male member.  I’ll make sure to get a copy of it from Rosen.  Everybody it seemed had a great time.  Manolet deserved to have the fantastic party because he really is a great person. 

I hope to dance some more (still alcohol-free) in the upcoming USPH and Engine parties!

let me tell you of a world where everything is unreal, just surreal, and nothing is true, perhaps only a few

where dreams abound, and promises are broken and fidelity is lost, most of the time

let me tell you of beautiful moments, only moments, that are fleeting and gone just like that, but stays with you, for a long time

where time is too slow yet sometimes too quick, where you want it to end quickly, yet never really want it to be over

where things are serious and funny at the same time

where you are filled with longing, never really belonging

wishing everyday for a glimpse, a feel, a sensation of reality, because you feel so so gloriously lost

where you weep with sadness and ecstasy, the interval lost in between

where feelings are too strong, and too shallow, always confounding, never really making you understand

where friendships are rare but deep,

where melancholy is a staple, but never without its twin, excitement is its twin

where souls are lost and regained and hopefully kept

where things are made or broken, the most essential things in life, that is

where you can be someone else, totally unlike you, unrecognizeable as you, nothing like you

where you can be free, liberating you from bondages that have kept you half-dead in the world where you came from

yet imprisoning you to the very core, because you can never really get out, because it isn’t real after all

this is my world for the moment.  i may love it and hate it at the same time. but it is a world like no other

it is unimaginable until you’re there, it is unfathomable until you are at the bottom most, it is surreal, never real, never real

because of my allergic tendencies, i’ve always tried to avoid alchohol however drastically the occassion calls for it.  but since i started working overseas, it seemed to be the way of life.  not that i’m an alcoholic or anything of that sort.  it just seems that every day before the day is through, a drink always happens to come along.  lunchtime, cocktail hours, dinner or late night cap.  be it red wine, white wine, la terre, metaxa cognac (greek), absolut, bacardi gold, johnny walker black and red or sky vodka. and even beer, yes, even that. (Note: was  NEVER a beer drinker). it really is amazing to find really good beers in Mexico.  I like their Sol and Corona so much.  Had a blast drinking at a local bar with the really funny Mexican bartender. how come they don’t make such good beers in RP? Probably that’s the reason why I never drank the local beers in RP, they never tasted as good as the imported ones.  Another recent discovery with Bacchus’ treasure is Guiness. NOw I know why the Irish are famous the world over for their pubs.  Guiness isn’t exactly a beer, it’s more of an ale or something of that sort.  it really is superb.  I hope we have it in RP.  Never really noticed such things since I was alcohol-intolerant before.  Amazingly, my blotches have stopped coming and the itchiness I usually suffer from after a bout of drinking has ceased to exist.  Probably because right now that I’m having a drink or two every day, some sort of a tachyphylaxis phenomenon has happened and my intolerance is slowly becoming history.

This is just one of the things that I’ve grown accustomed to as of the moment.  It doesn’t get out of hand, of course.  Because I’m the one doing the alcohol testing so I really should stay sober.  But it’s a good thing.  As long as you know how to handle it, a drink or two is always a good thing.  It livens up conversation, gives a more relaxed atmosphere to get-togethers and makes you feel good about yourself over all. Cheers, mates!

mamundo. mamundo. mamundo….

fort lauderdale, nivea aftershave, barbecues, cognac, U2, rose wine, dec 15th, dec 24th, dec 27th, atlantis beach, new year on the dance floor, triamcinolone acetonide 0.1% ointment, guitars, potatoes with skin, sour cream, tabasco, my mineral water, coke aversion, piggy back down the stairs, jokes at bedtime, and singing in the shower, pink floyd, david gilmore, neda and little mermaid, ECR tour, beeper charging in the ECR, dinner at 8, hamming it up against the boss, abandonship drills, debriefing at the bridge, 5310, funny sheets incident…..

aaargggh! why? for goodness’ sake why? why do people keep asking me, in a not-too-polite tone, MIND YOU, why i haven’t gotten hitched yet or why I haven’t SERIOUSLY considered getting hitched yet?   Worse, why do they keep goading me to do so? I feel just like my good friend jaybee in the midst of sitting beside mrs. this and mrs. that in a purportedly big wedding bash, with people all around gushing just how great being  married and having kids is.  I mean, really now. I am a hopeless romantic, really, but this kind of bullshitting is way more than i can take, knowing that the very people gushing at just how happy they are, really are NOT!  I mean come on.  The truly happy people don’t "gush" about such things.  They don’t need to, it shows.  So the best thing those stuck in a rut can do is pretend everything’s perfect by shouting it out loud so nobody ever misses a single damn thing about the marital bliss and all its extras that they are ’supposedly’ experiencing. Get real people. I dare you, get real!

Here’s the thing.  When everything settles down, and the wedding cake is way beyond gone, you wake up to what? To a routine sex life and to the glaring reality that the person you married is not really the same as the prince charming you so lovingly conjured in your overactive imagination. Face it and deal with it.  Maybe then, you can start really loving each other once the masks and expectations are tucked neatly away, and not simply ignored like what many of you are doing.  I am full of angst, yes, but that’s the way i see it folks. And when the kids come, oh, don’t get me started on that one.  But here goes anyway.  I mean, it’s great having kids, right? but come on people.  specially you women out there.  I don’t believe you’ve always just wanted to be a housewife. I mean, you got your degrees so you can have a career and where is it now?  Our generation is all about multitasking.  And if you can hosestly tell me that you’re content on never really reaching your full potential because of the kids and the hubby then i feel mighty sorry for you. Yah, yah, yah, family comes first.  But then, when you’re old and grey and the bloody kids don’t even come to visit you, then heck, you’d feel mighty sorry for yourself too. hehe. i’m enjoying this.

I’m not the usual angst-ridden gal who is angst-ridden because of the absence of a man in her life or because i haven’t been proposed to.  In fact, even with a steady relationship going on for 6 years now, admirers have never really disappeared, and all the more so now that i am thrown in the midst of an international motley crue where i can’t help but be admired.  Yes I am arrogant and conceited and vain, but that’s the truth. The reason why i have so much angst against pretentious unions is because they rub it into you, thinking you’re stupid  enough not to know that everything is fabricated and that you’d fall for their stories and get really green with envy.  Goodness, people, tell that to the dwarves.

I’ll redeem myself now.  I mean, there are those exceptional cases when marital bliss really is a reality and everything is fine in paradise. I have seen couples who really do stick it out with each other and who never got in the way of each other’s path to success.  I mean that’s the greatest thing right? You can have kids and a great career.  I guess it all depends on timing.  If you get married early when you haven’t even begun doing what you’ve envisioned doing your whole life, and marriage and kids come in the way, that’s where trouble starts.  You see, in our primarily chauvinistic culture, you let the guy go ahead with his dreams and you wait for your turn.  But, does it ever come? I mean, us women always have to sacrifice.  I can not ever, for the life of me, even if i married a tycoon, or Bill Gates, not be a doctor.  I have worked hard to get to where I am now, and am not that daft to give it all up for a man. Na-ah.  Men, if you’re an unlucky woman, they leave you.  And when they do, it’s going to be one hell of a difficult time to pick up the pieces when there aren’t any of them left for the picking.  So timing really is important.  For me, it’s that time when we (me and my hubby-to-be) both have reached our peaks, or are almost there, and have nothing to lose by giving a little bit of ourselves unselfishly to a family that we both are ready to have. That way, we wouldn’t ever have to feel like we missed out on something, and instead welcome these changes in our lives without regret or a wandering eye (had to put in that one).

The real deal: we do get attracted to someone else once in while.  And when that attraction builds up and its reciprocated, then we’re done for.  It’s no problem really when you’re single, but gosh, the thrill of an affair when you’re married…it won’t let you sleep.  Can you honestly say your mate hasn’t contemplated having an affair?  As if they’d tell you.  Come on, even single people cheat. And for the married ones, wow, an affair is hot, hot, and nothing but hot.

it was a fun barbecue.  Got to meet a lot of people, sadly i really didn’t get to talk to most of them.  can’t even remember all their names. great food, wine, and good conversation. i’m looking forward to more of these get-togethers.