Torn and Her Thoughts

i just hope Amsterdam will be a good distraction from wonderful home-cooked meals (with gata, of course!)
i just hope Marseilles would let me forget the smell of rain-soaked soil in the back yard.
i just hope Nice would turn out nice after all, and steer my thoughts away from my planned Palawan trip with 2 really good friends.
i just hope that Barcelona is worth missing my best friend’s delivery date for.
I just hope that Rome and the other parts of Italy will make up for the emptiness of missing Sunday masses at my local church.
i just hope that Turkey and the F1 in august can make up for the lost chance of catching a movie with my one true love.
i just hope that greece is worth sacrificing not being there on my mom’s bday (not to mention quite a handful of other really important people in my life who are having their bdays in the months to come)
i just hope Monte Carlo makes up for the lost bonding time with sibs.
i just really, really hope Europe will do all that.
because, in all reality, i’d really rather just stay home.  but i have to go anyway….
in a couple of hours, thousands of miles from the ground, i am alone with my thoughts.
upon landing, i’ll be trudging half-awake, braving the cold, going my way so i don’t get lost.
once on board  i meet all the necessary people, try to forget that i’m lonely, and live the glamorous life that is the stuff dreams are made of.  But there, i have my own dreams:  that of being home…
and i fervently wait for 8 months to pass, so i can again sit here, at this very spot, to write, how it feels wonderful to be home again.

Why me, Lord?  Why always me?  I am in awe.  And in my quiet moments I weep.  You have made my life so beautiful.  I wake up, and just realize that, no, there really is nothing more I can ask for. With a family that has been the greatest blessing in my life, with friends that are steadfast and true, with a roof over my head, air to breathe, good health, and all the basics……I have been far, far more than blessed.  And I wait, for you to call me. Tell me how I can please you most….

haha, too corny for a title, but yes, this is the year when everybody is getting married, engaged, or expecting their child.   And I am truly happy for my friends who belong to the categories mentioned.  They really do deserve this final cap to the commitment they’ve been in for quite some time now.

its not for me i guess. have just finished it off with 2 important men in my life just this year. in both instances, i was the one who left. and in both instances, there wasn’t a thing that was that badly messed up it can’t be fixed.  in fact, both were loving relationships, with the potential to culminate in what is famously happening all around this 2007.

i surprise myself sometimes. there is an uncanny peacefulness in my solitary existence, and a happiness i can not explain precisely because it’s so weird to feel happiness when one is alone. In spite of the fact that yes, everybody’s settling down, and that yes, my biological clock is slowing down (read: i am getting old, biologically only!).  i just honestly feel there is nothing more i can ask for.

i have loved deeply, and have been loved back deeply, numerous times even, perhaps enough to last me a life time.  although, we may never know what will happen in the years to come, i am happy this way. to be by myself. this point in time.