Torn and Her Thoughts

Azzaro Visit, Christian Dior Jadore, 185 cm, 85 kg, Guinness, Sol in Mexico, Hibiscus Rosasinensis in Freeport, Bahamas, Painkiller, Atlantis beach side at night, Miller Ale House in Florida, Hardrock Miami, When a Blind Man Cries by Deep Purple, F7 TERMINAL Miami INternational Airport,  writing to you in Frankfurt, Cheese and Super Supreme at Pizza Hut, Hennesy XO, and Johnny Walker Black Label, Jose the driver, dinner with Stelion and Maria, Formula1 in August in Istanbul, New York 2012, Varna and the house by the Black Sea, Spanish classes, terra del sueno, TU VAVU, k after the g’s, Plan B, 987-132, 987-111, coffe breaks, lunch time, siestas that were more than that, and dinner with the guys, watching U2, Santana, Sade, Eric Clapton, David Gilmor, Blues greats, Shrek 1 and 2, European Trip, RCCL in Miami, Walgreens Miami, funny mobile, internet aversion, blond with bue-green eyes, languid walk, filing nails with the emery board, 6:30 call time for me, 7:45 for you, BMWs, James Brown, pink striped underwear, kicking your ass on the dance floor, liking my style,  green earrings, Pringles Sour cream, Lindt and Ferrero, Newton Figs, Crunch, La Terre Rose, Absolut Vodka, paying for everything, always, young lady, Ciaos and baboosh, walk, walk, walk charlie, bathroom business together, 2-3 am daily, always intellectually stimulating conversations, missing chain, dancing alone to BEP, parquet floors, ponchos from Peru, seeing me off to Frankfurt…….

So, I finally got to talk to him in person.  It was so eerie how calm he was about it.  It was a five-minute encounter, I’m not exaggerating.  I just said goodbye, take care, and that I wish him well.  Twice.  He got teary-eyed twice, but the tears never really fell.  The first time was when he told me his family still didn’t know, and the 2nd time was when he saw me to the door, and i shook his hand, and said goodbye in this really goodbye-sounding tone.  I was dry-eyed of course, and really numb.  I admire him for handling things this way.  I was so afraid to talk to him anticipating he’d freak out and just make things difficult.  But he didn’t, and I give him credit for it……a lot actually.  He made me realize that for all it’s worth, I wasn’t such a bad judge of character, that I fell for a man who was a real man at the very end.

I am who I am now because somebody like him loved me, loved me  till the very last or probably still does, who knows.  He was my one true love, and I’ll never forget him for that.

1 week ago since the break up.

So, here goes the checklist:

Am I a better person because of it? Check

Do I feel good about myself? Check

Do I have any guilt feelings? None

Did I feel good doing it? Definitely not.

Was it the right time? Way over due.

Did he get mad?    He was too numb at that moment, if you ask me, more like in shock.  But now, he probably is, who knows.

Did I regret it? Not

Did I get sad? Check, but for him, mostly

Is it good bye for keeps? Never will know that

Did he deserve it? In a way, yes

First feeling after it?  Immense Relief

Do I still love him? Now, no.  In a different way, yes, but mad passionate love, no.

Did I cry? No

Did he cry? No.  was too shocked

Have I heard from him since then?  No

Does my family know?  Some of them

Were they sorry?  Probably, because at the end, they’ve grown to like him

Does his family know?  I honestly don’t know

Does he suspect anything?  Yes, asked me about it

Did I owe up? No, it wasn’t like that.

Ready to talk to him in person?  Still not.  And for a really long time, still not.

Pray for him?  Yes.  Fervently

Sad about it?  No, Not really

Any hatred?  None

Any regrets?  It’s not possible to not have it

How am I feeling now?  Satisfied.

Done?  Finally