Torn and Her Thoughts

aaargggh! why? for goodness’ sake why? why do people keep asking me, in a not-too-polite tone, MIND YOU, why i haven’t gotten hitched yet or why I haven’t SERIOUSLY considered getting hitched yet?   Worse, why do they keep goading me to do so? I feel just like my good friend jaybee in the midst of sitting beside mrs. this and mrs. that in a purportedly big wedding bash, with people all around gushing just how great being  married and having kids is.  I mean, really now. I am a hopeless romantic, really, but this kind of bullshitting is way more than i can take, knowing that the very people gushing at just how happy they are, really are NOT!  I mean come on.  The truly happy people don’t "gush" about such things.  They don’t need to, it shows.  So the best thing those stuck in a rut can do is pretend everything’s perfect by shouting it out loud so nobody ever misses a single damn thing about the marital bliss and all its extras that they are ’supposedly’ experiencing. Get real people. I dare you, get real!

Here’s the thing.  When everything settles down, and the wedding cake is way beyond gone, you wake up to what? To a routine sex life and to the glaring reality that the person you married is not really the same as the prince charming you so lovingly conjured in your overactive imagination. Face it and deal with it.  Maybe then, you can start really loving each other once the masks and expectations are tucked neatly away, and not simply ignored like what many of you are doing.  I am full of angst, yes, but that’s the way i see it folks. And when the kids come, oh, don’t get me started on that one.  But here goes anyway.  I mean, it’s great having kids, right? but come on people.  specially you women out there.  I don’t believe you’ve always just wanted to be a housewife. I mean, you got your degrees so you can have a career and where is it now?  Our generation is all about multitasking.  And if you can hosestly tell me that you’re content on never really reaching your full potential because of the kids and the hubby then i feel mighty sorry for you. Yah, yah, yah, family comes first.  But then, when you’re old and grey and the bloody kids don’t even come to visit you, then heck, you’d feel mighty sorry for yourself too. hehe. i’m enjoying this.

I’m not the usual angst-ridden gal who is angst-ridden because of the absence of a man in her life or because i haven’t been proposed to.  In fact, even with a steady relationship going on for 6 years now, admirers have never really disappeared, and all the more so now that i am thrown in the midst of an international motley crue where i can’t help but be admired.  Yes I am arrogant and conceited and vain, but that’s the truth. The reason why i have so much angst against pretentious unions is because they rub it into you, thinking you’re stupid  enough not to know that everything is fabricated and that you’d fall for their stories and get really green with envy.  Goodness, people, tell that to the dwarves.

I’ll redeem myself now.  I mean, there are those exceptional cases when marital bliss really is a reality and everything is fine in paradise. I have seen couples who really do stick it out with each other and who never got in the way of each other’s path to success.  I mean that’s the greatest thing right? You can have kids and a great career.  I guess it all depends on timing.  If you get married early when you haven’t even begun doing what you’ve envisioned doing your whole life, and marriage and kids come in the way, that’s where trouble starts.  You see, in our primarily chauvinistic culture, you let the guy go ahead with his dreams and you wait for your turn.  But, does it ever come? I mean, us women always have to sacrifice.  I can not ever, for the life of me, even if i married a tycoon, or Bill Gates, not be a doctor.  I have worked hard to get to where I am now, and am not that daft to give it all up for a man. Na-ah.  Men, if you’re an unlucky woman, they leave you.  And when they do, it’s going to be one hell of a difficult time to pick up the pieces when there aren’t any of them left for the picking.  So timing really is important.  For me, it’s that time when we (me and my hubby-to-be) both have reached our peaks, or are almost there, and have nothing to lose by giving a little bit of ourselves unselfishly to a family that we both are ready to have. That way, we wouldn’t ever have to feel like we missed out on something, and instead welcome these changes in our lives without regret or a wandering eye (had to put in that one).

The real deal: we do get attracted to someone else once in while.  And when that attraction builds up and its reciprocated, then we’re done for.  It’s no problem really when you’re single, but gosh, the thrill of an affair when you’re married…it won’t let you sleep.  Can you honestly say your mate hasn’t contemplated having an affair?  As if they’d tell you.  Come on, even single people cheat. And for the married ones, wow, an affair is hot, hot, and nothing but hot.

it was a fun barbecue.  Got to meet a lot of people, sadly i really didn’t get to talk to most of them.  can’t even remember all their names. great food, wine, and good conversation. i’m looking forward to more of these get-togethers.

so far so good.  Been at work for 3 days now here in the US, and I find that working with an international crew is quite exciting. I get to meet people from all continents and I have to say that sometimes I find that they are easier to work with than fellow Filipinos, (none of the usual tsismis and the like).  The food is excellent, service is superb, and I am travelling for free, getting paid handsomely for it, and enjoying every bit if my young life. God is good.  Can’t wait for Jaybs and Krigs to come here.

It was definitely short-lived but well worth it.  It was my ‘pseudo-despedida’ (as Jaybs put it, since I’ll still be coming back) after all.  So okay, i said i wouldn’t be posting here, but since Krigi has developed some sort of mushy, serious-sounding blog intolerance, and as the entries in my other blogs fall under that category, i had to write this one here, so that Krigi can read this ( let me know when you do), and so that Jayce can pretend she was there with us.  I have to admit I read Jaybee’s entry about what I’m about to write now before writing this, so you can say I’ve picked up a thought or two from her. (Thanks Jaybs)

I really meant it when I said we may have been thru quite a lot, but we stuck it out with each other, like true love, huh?! Krigs, put down that eyebrow please..okay, no more mushy stuff. I mean, being as infuriatingly "independent, opinionated, and strong-willed" as we were, it was quite impossible not to disagree over so many things, so many times.  There were those 2 instances  I discovered just how Russian Jaybee can get when she gave me the cold war (the reasons for which were really all my mistakes, admittedly).  There was that episode during one stiflingly hot Surgery grand rounds with Dr. Olalia and all the surgery residents, and all the clerkies, when Krigi and I fought it out (verbally) like two really mean hypoestrogenic hyenas while tailing the group.  Remember the "oppression" thing Krigs?  Those and a lot more of petty disagreements, and fallings-out with everyone, well sort of.  But all of that really couldn’t ever get in the way of a friendship born out of a life straight out of what you all religiously watch in Grey’s anatomy ( I don’t watch it, but they say it’s sorta like the real thing).  We’ve been burned alive, boljak-ed alive (case presentations, ad cons, revalidas, etc), hurt so bad, triumphed in so many things, done our best, been in and through our worst, scared like shit. We’ve been through Fabella working endless night shifts without even closing our eyes for 1 whole minute (lest we had a "baby out" and our OB rotation out of the window), and through the Peppermint-infused atmosphere at the anatomy lab, and Medicine rotation with Dr. Johnny Go, and the microbe-ridden air of San Lazaro’s hallways.  We’ve been through sleepless nights, and Resident nights, and kuwentong barbero, and cynical mindedness, and men, and boys, and other women, and Sapang, and thrift shopping.  We’ve been through cramming, and cutting classes, and crazy relationships, and pregnancies, and almost pregnancies, and pseudocyesis. We’ve been through the worst with our real families, and been at our best  finding our family extensions who made us feel like real family. We’ve seen our dreams getting farther from us, almost turning into nothing but just dreams.  We’ve struggled, struggled so beautifully for that MD initals next to our names. But through all that, we had fun.  Crazy, unbeatable fun.  And we kicked ass.  Yes my dear, crazy , Krigi and Jaybee, and Jayce.  We kicked ass in med school.  And that’s the most important thing.  To have all those memories, knowing we had great fun and more importantly that we still have each other, inspite of all that.

PS: You can shoot me now Krigs.  Can’t help myself. Feeling mushy and senti and squashy. Dare not comment and then I’LL shoot you. hehe. Bang-bang. Ka-boom (bazooka), Ka-blam.