Torn and Her Thoughts

whenever i get to reminisce about my days in UP naming mahal, i can’t help but cringe at the fact that when i was there, i was AVERAGE. I got to thinking about it yesterday when i brought jules and tay to school. jules is taking org chem and is endlessly complaining about the unfairness of its level of difficulty, and i thought, that’s exactly how i felt when i took organic chem in 2nd year Pharm. Up to this day, UP Pharmacy has always been more difficult than Medicine proper for me.

Nowhere but in UP do we take exams on a Sunday! The day of worship, goodness! Nowhere but in UP will they give us exams so ridiculously difficult that i remember getting a 27 out of a 100 in the first of the organic chemistry series (there were 4 in the series, if i remember correctly.)  The rest of the class fared just as badly, if not, worse, since i remember seeing the ubiquitous blue book with scores ranging from 0 to 6 to just below 20.  I didn’t fare so badly, after all. Only 2 passed out of a hundred plus odd souls who took that unforgettable exam.  2 alienistic, autistic, always studying geek geniuses (talk about really sour graping.)

Who would ever forget that summer when we took Chem 18 and only thirteen of us out of a hundred students passed, and later on graduated after the required four year stint. Imagine, just because of a not even major subject, more than 75% of the class became resigned to the fact that they won’t be graduating in time.  Chem 18 was of course, a prerequisite! And the subjects were offered yearly! not even on a semestral basis, so naturally, the waiting has to be done.

I practically drowned in the deluge of chemistry subjects.  We had qualitative, quantitative, organic chemistry, inorganic chemistry, physical chemistry, pharmaceutical chemistry, the list goes on.  i can’t even remember all my subjects.  all i remember was sweating it out big time, and getting none the wiser.  countless times i failed in countless exams. less than five students would usually pass in those exams i failed, but it felt horrible just the same.

even the general subjects were difficult.  There was the trek to Mount Makiling in our mad search for Rizal fanatics.  I actually panted. In my 17 year old, basically fit, young, untired and untried body, i panted.  Alar flaring was my signature look for that day, and it wasn’t even serious mountain climbing. (And I actually thought I can be a Remontados member.) That’s why i can never forget Prof. Isorena.  Even Humanities was difficult, and Soc Sci, and Botany. I don’t know about the other courses but UP Pharmacy was that difficult, that come Medicine, i practically breezed through my subjects without too much fuss.

NO wonder i felt so ordinary back then.  Because i was. In a class full of honor students, you’ll always find people better than you are. people who are deep thinkers, emotionally superior, and far more experienced about life.  No wonder UP pharmacy studes ALWAYS, ALWAYS top the boards, and breeze through the US Pharmacy boards without even batting en eyelash!  Just look at my classmates in Pharm making it big time in the US.  They were just average when they were in UP too. Pharmacists make bigger bucks than nurses and some doctors (if working in the right company) and has made it to the top 9 job in the US.

I may be a  totally different person now than i was back then.  but my years in UP was among the best i ever had. amidst the difficulties and the struggles, and the conflicts and the endless arguments.  Amidst the totally unglamorous lifestyle, the slippers, the fashion crimes.  Amidst the sweat, the tears, the blood.  Amidst the ugly realizations, and the sheepish memories, the anger and the despair.  Amidst the remorse at not having done better, and hurting myself and others. amidst all that, i am just so proud, that once, even if i was by no means extraordinary, i became an "Iskolar ng Bayan."