Torn and Her Thoughts

PART I: janina and the pajaro family, calox, fe, mitch, mex and anupol family, ryan m, jaybs, krigi, jace, ate phen and the rest of the cortez family, apple delacruz, john p, sharon nee joson, ate weng, ate jak, ate claire, yeyie, tetch, lala, lorlyn, koko, donny, pido and wife, bahillo clan, claravall clan, edna and michael, kuya boy and ate lee, dra janet, dra trex, dra cheng, dra judes, pat, jeff a., jek, almira lim, the ferrers, me’dal kolondatal, doods, mae laceste, mj lorico, fema….

August is fast coming up, and there’s no denying that i’ll be a year older again. No big deal.  I look half my age anyway sans make-up and all the gore.  What’s big about August is the fact that people that have made an impact in my life in different ways are getting a year older this coming month too.  Lolo, Jaybee, Calox, Daddy, Ate Claire, even Jomar. Why are August people intelligent than most? Why are they strong-minded, with strong personalities that make people in a room shut up and take notice?  Is it because we are arrogant in our own ways? Is it because we exude something which others don’t? Is it because we are better than most? Is it because we look really good?  On any given day, men younger than me by a decade or so still haunt me.  Same goes for Jaybee and Ate Claire.  Why?  Is it because of the lion in us? Is it because of the dreary, storm-beaten month when we were born? Is it because it’s August?

my limbo…one of the worst there is…my limbo is fast enveloping me in its darkness, outweighing the light in its heaviness, obscuring my vision of that which shines through. My limbo is weighing me down so much.  I scramble to the highest point where i can get a glimpse of the light, but my limbo is preventing me from doing so.  I am breathing ever so slowly, i can feel the pulsating black liquid running through me, slowly coming to a halt…. will slumber save me? it feels like a million years since i have last known the feeling of slumber.  I have gotten used to the fast-paced darkness of the night out there that the net that my limbo has cast has caught me in an alarming state, one where i am slowly forgetting how to breathe, and be free from it all.  Slumber is enveloping me, ever so fast.  I hope light gathers fast.  This limbo is madness. This limbo is making me crazy…breaking me down, oppressing me, crushing me, and forcing me into quietude.  Perhaps, even the strongest has to concede somehow.  Darkness was created to make you appreciate the brilliance of the Light.  In darkness, i fall, gaining momentum, scary in its depth.  I don’t know how high i’ll fly again to be able to get out of this cruel, mad, place…. my LIMBO.

BUT suddenly, In the darkness, i can hear hope. But i’m too weak right now. I will have to fall into a deep slumber, after all, before they can finally reach out to me. For now, i take refuge in the darkness.  The familiar, chilly, place that has my black fire- emblazoned resting place in it. My limbo is HOME.  In these dark times when the quest for the grail is at a standstill, I weep without being alive, taking uncanny, brazen comfort in this cruel, cruel place called my limbo. I am, after all…..damned.

iuyaman ako, pano,may ilang ako, makulog lawas ko, makulog payo ko, wbc ko 14 thou, predominantly segmenters: 0.85 actually. Huna ko lamang lymphos lang. tama ba naman. makaulok lamang. uni ako, nagbubulong ki may mga ilang tapos ako ngunyan ang bako marhay ang pagmati. bata, dakulon akong lalakawon ngunyan na semana. 4 na suronod na aldaw, dai akong uli-uli, para lang magbulong tapos ngunyan… hay makauyam talaga. bata maabot si janina achan na banggi. tapos sa aga, despidida ni ate weng, bata gusto kang mga tawo sa clinic na abuton kami ki aga, ta maralakaw  daa hanggang may aldaw na, diretso na lang sinda sa trabaho sa masunod na aldaw, tapos sa friday, mahilingan kami ni at phen, sigurado, aluyon kami mahuron, baka mag-ibian pa kami to the max ta aluyon na kami dai nagiilingan buda dakulon kaming taramon sa saru-saro. tapos sa sabado, mapabunyag su aki ni badeth, definitely, ma-stay akong haloy duman ta saro man itong dai ko na lamang nahiling forever, tapos sa domingo, may laog na naman ako antos miyerkules. talk about recuperating. . . .

makairak man si ben, dai na lamang kami nagiilingan…. nuarin ko man daw matawan ki time su esposo ko.. baka sa birthday ko pa. siguro naman, deserve ko magpaingalo sa birthday ko… busyhon ako sa pagiging busy, gari masarong bulan na na dai na naman ako nakaluwas para sa sadiri ko.  ni wax or pedicure wara na. kung nuarin dakol akong pondo, dai man akong time gibuhon ang mga gusto kong gibuhon… maski mag-shopping, dai na lamang akong time, and to think ngunyan ako dakul na kuwarta, more than i need or want…. pasalamat lang talaga ako na dai pa akong aki, wara akong responsibilidad, ta sa totoo lang, ni sa sadiri ko dai akong oras.  haaay.  pero ang pinakamakaulok sa gabos, i’m actually enjoying every bit of my crazy life… and to think this is just the beginning.

Unbelievable how after more than a decade Mitch and I are back to being jelly-kneed teeners avidly watching Z on the sides.  J Sure looks like ERic Morales.  I don’t know if Mitch liked what she saw, but i think he looked good anyway, skinny and "kinda-out-there."  A was a surprise however… I don’t exactly know if i liked what i saw but mitch did.  she said he looked better.  I guess i was looking for the A of days gone by who sported  roguish long hair, a little bit on the skinny side, still playing the guitar with his tongue.  but surprise, surprise…he sang.  and he sang well… and what more, he sang one of my ultimate fave songs.  I just didn’t look at him the way i used to.  I guess family or fatherhood does that to men, they stop being worth looking at.  well most of them are, anyway.  But i sure admired his newly developed talents.  And my, he actually spoke a word on stage.  I guess Malaysia or Japan did that to him, not quite sure, but it was a welcome surprise.

So last night, i became what i was years ago…a stalker.  If ben knew, he’d kill me.  hehe.  No, not in the unfaithful sort of way was i a stalker…more in the teener dreamy kind of way.  It’s funny, but i always thought A somehow resembles David Beckham.  Maybe it’s the way he looks at people, maybe not. it was a good night on the whole.  Dinner was superb and i laughed most of the time.  The two new members of Z were really funny.  Even Fe and Mex laughed.  i just regret that i didn’t get to have my pic taken with A.  Would have been a blast. I would have put the caption:  STALKER AND HER VICTIM. Another regret was to not actually talk to A.  it would have given me my "closure." hehe, so unless i do so, i guess i’ll stalk him still in the months to come. Provided mitch stalks J too.  It’s so funny how we’re stalking 2 actually "non-stalkable" men.  but i guess, rock and roll does that to you.

It felt really nice to go back to a place I used to frequent but had never had the time to visit for 10 years or so, not until a few nights ago.  It felt really nice to reminisce about how crazy Mitch, Mex, Fe and I really were during those times, eons ago, specially Mitch and Me!  I just had to text Mitch and tell her where I was and like the true rocker chic she is, she was all excited gushing how nice it would be for us to get together and go back there once more, like some love-struck college girls, out on their first true date. Exactly my thoughts.

Now as Meki’s birthday is coming up, nostalgia has suddenly possessed me unforgivably, and so I write . . . .

For every facet of our personality, we have friends who will come complete us in that one aspect like no other friend can.  In my case, there’s this part of me that will only ever be whole by the friendship that the Babes has given me.  I might not see them that often, but the friendship we have was forged with so deep a bond, I know I’ll always have them around and vise versa, no matter how long we haven’t seen each other, no matter how different our lives turned out to be, or how far apart we are from each other.  We became friends in, no less than, the State University, at a time when our dreams were only just beginning to become dreams.  We became friends during the age of innocence, hope, and great expectations.  I came to live with two of them, but Mitch was over our place so often it felt like we were all room mates after all.  These are the friends who got more than a taste of my bitterness, bitchiness, and sadistic tendencies.  Who had to endlessly protect me from those who can’t understand me.  Who were there for me during the angst revolution of my young adulthood. And yet, for all that, they endured and loved me just as much.  I guess, I never really told them how much their friendship meant to me, or how much I really admire them.  It never came to that I guess.  Or I never had the chance to properly do so.  Or the nerve to finally say so.

The quintessential babe: FE. I’ll always admire Fe for her honest take on life.  Her candor, her straightforwardness without being tactless.  Her being the ultimate ‘it’ girl, always put together, never out-of-sorts. Her being strong amidst her life’s greatest trials: Her mom’s untimely demise, her dad’s 2nd wife, her relationship with her sibs, the Cy and Michael incidents, finding Clarence, her transfer to Diliman, Masteral toxicities.  I celebrate her triumphs, her achievements and the confident, beautiful person she has become, which I never doubted she would be.  I’m praying that like me, she’ll finally find her grail.  She deserves that much.  She has been a loyal, sweet, very understanding and most of all, loving friend to me, after all these years. I felt sorry I had to turn her invites down so often during my toxic years in med, and even in internship.  I really wanted to get-together, but my schedule really was one cruel brute.  I hope this week will be a more forgiving one.  She’ll always, always be one of my treasured friends.

My Meki.  The sexiest of the babes.  The one who can pull off minis, and skimpy tops, with 4 inch-wedges like no other.  The one who was always bubbly, forever flirty, always smiling, as if trying to show the world its loss in not having dimples like hers.  The one with the wonderful family who treated us like royalty.  My sweet, down-to-earth, self-deprecating  Meki, who despite her occasional outbursts and emo moments, was always ready to kiss and make up, smile like crazy, shop till we drop or make that window-shop till we drop.  Always there to lend a helping hand. My room mate and bed mate of 3 years, who never failed to make me laugh at her antics.  Kikay girl to the core.  Never a dull moment with her.  Inspite of the crazy times, she was also there, quietly listening to me, in those dark, broody times, when all was not well, and the laughter has died down.  You deserve your kind husband, Richard, and your beautiful baby girl. You deserve life’s best and for that you’re always in my prayers.

Mitch.  It’s uncanny how even in our difference, I find how alike we truly are.  Mitch, my fellow survivor. Very intelligent, very talented, very strong, very loving.  Mitch, who was always the realist.  Mitch the writer. Mitch, the poet.  Mitch the musician.  Mitch, the learned. Mitch, the good friend. Mitch, the dedicated daughter, and sister.  Mitch, the dreamer. Who, thru everything, every happy, sad, crazy, apathetic memory I ever had in UP, has always been there to stand beside me and make the experience all worthwhile.  She has seen and has been through many tough times in her young lifetime.  And the blessings coming her way now are God’s tribute to the person she is now.  I’m elated at her success and what the future has in store for her.  She more than deserves it.  I never quite told her how much I really valued her friendship, and how much I admire her.  I might not be there that often.  I might have even drifted for quite some time.  I might have lost touch with her, until now.  But she’s one of my REALLY few friends who, together with Mex and Fe, will come watch me walk down the aisle one day.  I hope she reads this so she knows just how important she is to me. 

In a nutshell, the Babes: intelligent, empowered, beautiful, talented young women, with hearts of gold, and friendship like no other. The Babes blood run in our veins and for that we will forever be bound.  I love you girls!

Funny how when i have lost more than half of what i had before, i find that i have never been this contented.  Funny how when i used to be snotty and not exactly a fan of people, i suddenly become a people lover, interested in their lives and in who they are, no matter their station in life’s social ladder.  Funny how i finally get to see the wonderful blessings i have been given me for so long, when they were there all along, and it’s only just now that i am coming to highly appreciate them. Funny how in the ugliest circumstance i finally gain that which i had most coveted in this life time.  Funny how truthfulness and integrity have saved me from damnation even if my trial in the eyes of those involved took many, many years.  Funny how simplicity can seem so welcoming, even if i have been used to illusions of grandiosity for so long.  Funny how friends of previous years suddenly begin to seem important, how their understanding, and suffering under my tyrannical presence begin to matter a lot.  Funny how people who seem to be kind from the onset suddenly begin to bare their inner demons.  Funny how i suddenly began to value the Divine, when in the past there was only darkness.  Funny how my resolve became so steely, and that the pursuit for my grail had suddenly become so feverish in its excitement, it encompasses my being completely.  Funny how i suddenly begin to value nature, my surroundings, gifts form the Divine that were there all along.  Funny how i want to dedicate my life’s works to others, so i can show them that the Divine is right here, along side them, in the form of the sinner in me, who wishes to transcend dimensions and cross over to the light with finality.  Funny how I was won over. In the darkest sin men has conjured, i was won over.  In the deepest pit of a world full of the most consuming hatred, i was won by love.

This is it.  A week from now, I’ll get to know if my review for the MLE will start or will be delayed further.  At this point, my destiny is in various hands. It’s not just in mine.  It can’t be helped.  Took the first step this morning.  I filed for my white-papered transcript in the hopes that soon, it would be enclosed in a Fedex envelope on its way to the ECFMG.  Either way is actually okay with me.  On one hand, I’ll get to gallivant around the world, not spend a single thing, and actually get handsomely paid for it.  On the other hand, if everyhting goes well, I might just find myself sweating it out just like any scared, toxic-looking first year resident on a hopefully breezy first day sometime in 2007 in a large, busy hospital somewhere equally busy and fast-paced.  Both options are actually quite exciting. On one hand I get to relax, enjoy and work a little, travel the world at large for FREE, on the other, i get to sweat it out big time and enjoy every minute of it. I’m weird but that’s just how it would feel either way.  I’ve had enough bumming around doing some ho-hum OPD work that never really posed any challenge.  I miss the thrill of a CODE or a MAYDAY or a DOCTOR’s CART or whatever it is called depending on the institution you’re in.  I miss the busy, bustling day in the emergency room where lives are continually being saved, lost, imrpoved or maintained just as it is.  I miss the astringent smell of wards, the bleeping of cardiac monitors, the furious rounds in the morning, the joyous smiles of relatives of those who have been saved, the frenzy of nurses continually paging you to get your butt in their floors OR ELSE. I even miss the lab, and the confusing jumble of numbers printed in papers that come out of it comprising the result that would make or break a diagnosis. Heck I even miss the nursery, the dialysis unit, the OR,  and for heaven’s sake, even the DR and the LR.  Even the sour-and sweet-faced nurses, attendants, aids, orderlies, rad techs, pulmo techs, etc.  But nothing beats the way I miss my future sanctum: the ICU and CCU.  I even had this absurd notion of going back to Metro and UST just to loiter inside the ICU and be a pain in the ass to those on duty.  I’m crazy like that, you know.  I’m really just another geeky doctor, who enjoys hanging around the hospital so much, it’s sick. There. I’ve said it.  I’m a geeky doctor.  Underneath the Beckhamish exterior, underneath the big hair, the make-up, the 4-inch heels, the aura of glamour, you’ll see me.  The no-hair brush, no make-up, no glamour, always-in-scrub-suits, always-in-slippers-with-socks, forever toxic MD who worries a lot and frets a lot about her patients.  Therefore, it’s apparent what would work more for me.

Although the first option of travelling the world and getting all prettied up while at it is appealing, my heart longs for the busy, unglamorous world of residency.  Although the thought of making big bucks, speaking 5 or 6, or if I’m lucky 7 languages, brushing shoulders with the rich, shopping in various countries, and enjoying a relatively benign existence is very, very tempting, still. STILL, the geeky, dorky doctor in me is shouting for me to let her out and let her do her thing.

But as I’ve said it, my destiny is not in my hands at the moment.  Maybe next week, it will be, solely in mine.