Torn and Her Thoughts

Gradimir came to visit me for a week.  He came in Portugal and sailed with us through Cadiz, Malaga, Ibiza and finally Palma de Mallorca, and my favorite place in Spain, Barcelona.  I wish it could have been a longer visit, but as it is, we both have jobs to attend to and it was more than enough that he came all the way from Bulgaria to be with me for a week.

It was a blissful week, like a pre-honeymoon thing……

He has just left for Vancouver this morning, where we are eventually planning to settle down, and where I will join him in 2 months’ time, or even shorter, who  knows….. 

Yes, it’s normal to feel the separation anxiety, although we have been through three physical separations already due to vacations and end of contracts….come to think of it, I have not been away from him for more than a few minutes since he came (except while I was working), and to not have him beside me now, to not have lunches and dinners with him, and strolls and tours in the magnificent streets of Europe, to not have him beside me while I sleep, to not have him here…it does take a while to get used to this feeling.

But the future looks bright, and full of promises…that is why we have both decided to take this huge step…because we both believe that the future has many great things in store for us as a couple. So a few more weeks is not really such a painful sacrifice…tough at times, like right now, but in the end, it will all be worth it.

3 days before he left, the man I loved asked me to be his wife and I said "Yes."  It was spontaneous and unplanned, but achingly real, and rife with raw emotions.   Never have I felt loved more than in that instant.

to be genuinely liked by people…that is one of the greatest blessings in life.  Specially for somebody like me who has battled with diagreements all my life. 

I had my issues back then and I guess I wasn’t really a people person.  Definitely not the popular type.  Got into all sorts of squabbles from pre-school days until last year.

but things happen to us that suddenly makes us want to forget all the bad things and try to live a life that is righteous, not pretentious.  Did away with all the anger and prejudices and pretty much everything that i have been used to for so long.

It’s very liberating actually to live this way.  To not be always up in arms everytime somebody doesn’t agree with my views.  To not be judgmental,  to be a little more patient.  To genuinely like people, and listen to their stories, and to empathize with them.  To be a good person generally, without really expecting anything in return.

It really is worth it.

Wars and disagreements can be won by diplomacy and kindness.  And righteousness, not the pretentious kind, but the moral kind, as a way of life brings more happiness and fulfillment more than one can ever imagine.

It is exactly because of this that I am truly, truly happy now.

What can be more beautiful than to attend Mass at the Vatican on a solemn Sunday?  It was a life-long dream fulfilled for me.  I can say I have simpler wants now than I used to have, and I am just so thankful I got to experience something like this at an age when Iam able to truly appreciate the majesty of the Divine….

i just hope Amsterdam will be a good distraction from wonderful home-cooked meals (with gata, of course!)
i just hope Marseilles would let me forget the smell of rain-soaked soil in the back yard.
i just hope Nice would turn out nice after all, and steer my thoughts away from my planned Palawan trip with 2 really good friends.
i just hope that Barcelona is worth missing my best friend’s delivery date for.
I just hope that Rome and the other parts of Italy will make up for the emptiness of missing Sunday masses at my local church.
i just hope that Turkey and the F1 in august can make up for the lost chance of catching a movie with my one true love.
i just hope that greece is worth sacrificing not being there on my mom’s bday (not to mention quite a handful of other really important people in my life who are having their bdays in the months to come)
i just hope Monte Carlo makes up for the lost bonding time with sibs.
i just really, really hope Europe will do all that.
because, in all reality, i’d really rather just stay home.  but i have to go anyway….
in a couple of hours, thousands of miles from the ground, i am alone with my thoughts.
upon landing, i’ll be trudging half-awake, braving the cold, going my way so i don’t get lost.
once on board  i meet all the necessary people, try to forget that i’m lonely, and live the glamorous life that is the stuff dreams are made of.  But there, i have my own dreams:  that of being home…
and i fervently wait for 8 months to pass, so i can again sit here, at this very spot, to write, how it feels wonderful to be home again.

Why me, Lord?  Why always me?  I am in awe.  And in my quiet moments I weep.  You have made my life so beautiful.  I wake up, and just realize that, no, there really is nothing more I can ask for. With a family that has been the greatest blessing in my life, with friends that are steadfast and true, with a roof over my head, air to breathe, good health, and all the basics……I have been far, far more than blessed.  And I wait, for you to call me. Tell me how I can please you most….

haha, too corny for a title, but yes, this is the year when everybody is getting married, engaged, or expecting their child.   And I am truly happy for my friends who belong to the categories mentioned.  They really do deserve this final cap to the commitment they’ve been in for quite some time now.

its not for me i guess. have just finished it off with 2 important men in my life just this year. in both instances, i was the one who left. and in both instances, there wasn’t a thing that was that badly messed up it can’t be fixed.  in fact, both were loving relationships, with the potential to culminate in what is famously happening all around this 2007.

i surprise myself sometimes. there is an uncanny peacefulness in my solitary existence, and a happiness i can not explain precisely because it’s so weird to feel happiness when one is alone. In spite of the fact that yes, everybody’s settling down, and that yes, my biological clock is slowing down (read: i am getting old, biologically only!).  i just honestly feel there is nothing more i can ask for.

i have loved deeply, and have been loved back deeply, numerous times even, perhaps enough to last me a life time.  although, we may never know what will happen in the years to come, i am happy this way. to be by myself. this point in time.

Azzaro Visit, Christian Dior Jadore, 185 cm, 85 kg, Guinness, Sol in Mexico, Hibiscus Rosasinensis in Freeport, Bahamas, Painkiller, Atlantis beach side at night, Miller Ale House in Florida, Hardrock Miami, When a Blind Man Cries by Deep Purple, F7 TERMINAL Miami INternational Airport,  writing to you in Frankfurt, Cheese and Super Supreme at Pizza Hut, Hennesy XO, and Johnny Walker Black Label, Jose the driver, dinner with Stelion and Maria, Formula1 in August in Istanbul, New York 2012, Varna and the house by the Black Sea, Spanish classes, terra del sueno, TU VAVU, k after the g’s, Plan B, 987-132, 987-111, coffe breaks, lunch time, siestas that were more than that, and dinner with the guys, watching U2, Santana, Sade, Eric Clapton, David Gilmor, Blues greats, Shrek 1 and 2, European Trip, RCCL in Miami, Walgreens Miami, funny mobile, internet aversion, blond with bue-green eyes, languid walk, filing nails with the emery board, 6:30 call time for me, 7:45 for you, BMWs, James Brown, pink striped underwear, kicking your ass on the dance floor, liking my style,  green earrings, Pringles Sour cream, Lindt and Ferrero, Newton Figs, Crunch, La Terre Rose, Absolut Vodka, paying for everything, always, young lady, Ciaos and baboosh, walk, walk, walk charlie, bathroom business together, 2-3 am daily, always intellectually stimulating conversations, missing chain, dancing alone to BEP, parquet floors, ponchos from Peru, seeing me off to Frankfurt…….

So, I finally got to talk to him in person.  It was so eerie how calm he was about it.  It was a five-minute encounter, I’m not exaggerating.  I just said goodbye, take care, and that I wish him well.  Twice.  He got teary-eyed twice, but the tears never really fell.  The first time was when he told me his family still didn’t know, and the 2nd time was when he saw me to the door, and i shook his hand, and said goodbye in this really goodbye-sounding tone.  I was dry-eyed of course, and really numb.  I admire him for handling things this way.  I was so afraid to talk to him anticipating he’d freak out and just make things difficult.  But he didn’t, and I give him credit for it……a lot actually.  He made me realize that for all it’s worth, I wasn’t such a bad judge of character, that I fell for a man who was a real man at the very end.

I am who I am now because somebody like him loved me, loved me  till the very last or probably still does, who knows.  He was my one true love, and I’ll never forget him for that.

1 week ago since the break up.

So, here goes the checklist:

Am I a better person because of it? Check

Do I feel good about myself? Check

Do I have any guilt feelings? None

Did I feel good doing it? Definitely not.

Was it the right time? Way over due.

Did he get mad?    He was too numb at that moment, if you ask me, more like in shock.  But now, he probably is, who knows.

Did I regret it? Not

Did I get sad? Check, but for him, mostly

Is it good bye for keeps? Never will know that

Did he deserve it? In a way, yes

First feeling after it?  Immense Relief

Do I still love him? Now, no.  In a different way, yes, but mad passionate love, no.

Did I cry? No

Did he cry? No.  was too shocked

Have I heard from him since then?  No

Does my family know?  Some of them

Were they sorry?  Probably, because at the end, they’ve grown to like him

Does his family know?  I honestly don’t know

Does he suspect anything?  Yes, asked me about it

Did I owe up? No, it wasn’t like that.

Ready to talk to him in person?  Still not.  And for a really long time, still not.

Pray for him?  Yes.  Fervently

Sad about it?  No, Not really

Any hatred?  None

Any regrets?  It’s not possible to not have it

How am I feeling now?  Satisfied.

Done?  Finally